Returns
by Sally Mn
Summary: The latest mission turned into a mess... how unusual.


**Returns**

"Welllll..." The Colonel's drawl fooled nobody, and wasn't meant to. He was pissed, and intended to make sure they all knew and shared his pissiness. "That was... unexpected."

Daniel could have bitched back, but was combing something pink and green and drippy out of his hair. Carter would have rolled her eyes, but her eyelids were glued together with thick, sticky - but painless and sweet-smelling - liquid. And Teal'c was too busy radiating offended dignity, and a vaguely alcoholic odor, in all directions.

"Now I just know one of you whiz kids will have an explanation," and his eyes were fixed firmly on the linguistic half of his private geek squad, "for running out - no, better still, _shooting_ our way out - of what was advertised to both your team leader and your General as a feast in honor of this honkin' spectacular new treaty between us and those... folk, and I use the word loosely -"

"Just because they don't look quite human and had non-human ethical traditions, Jack, doesn't mean they -"

"Ah ah ah!" O'Neill held up the dreaded Finger of Silence. "Daniel, I don't want to hear it. What I _do_ want to hear is why this all turned to shit and you _told _us to run for it... oh, and what this crap we're all wearing is."

"Some sort of... sweetened paste, I think," Carter mumbled, trying not to lick her lips.

"Icing," Daniel mumbled rather more.

"What was that, Daniel?"

"I said... icing," Dr Jackson obviously felt - not for the first time - that the best defense was pedantic nit-picking. "Or rather, the local equivalent, from what I could gather - their language is rather an odd dialectic offshoot of Guould, with some odd resemblances to Pictish, not that that makes sense, they aren't even human, but the grammar and some of the modalities are -"

"Daniel..."

"As I was saying, the local equivalent of icing, I think they make it from a fungal organism they call 'kak', they use it for general sweetening and baking - they have for centuries, it's a fascinating -"

"And possibly quite valuable, nutritionally, sir," Carter jumped in, even though she was still trying to pry her eyes open, "if we could find out which fungus and take samples, who knows what uses -"

"- study of the parallel evolutionary trends in history, their customs as a sanguinary warrior culture -"

"- and given what Daniel said about their longevity, and the credit they give to this -

"- it might be interesting to see how it compares with different human celebrations of the same -"

Jack stared at each of them, then at the Finger of Silence, which obviously had lost all power to shut them off. Mind you, the fact that it was the same smeary orange as the rest of him - and his uniform - didn't help. "Later!" he snapped. "Daniel. Words of one syllable. What - happened - there?"

Daniel blinked at him, and it occurred to the Colonel that he might finally have come up with something the genius with words couldn't manage.

"Okay, in words of however many... just make it simple, Daniel."

"The feast was a local celebration, Jack."

"Not just because they were happy to see us?"

"Uhh, no, not really. Not until I found something we could share with them."

"Was the sharing of technology and information you offered," Teal'c said, still radiating disapproval with all his might, "not enough, and so they attacked?"

"Uhhh... no, not that either. It was... Jack's birthday."

Carter, who by now had peeled her eyes _mostly_ open, frowned and nearly glued them shut again. "Not till Sunday, Daniel," she said distractedly, "and why would you think to tell them about it?"

"The chief - well, more like a sheriff from what I could gather, given the duties and the - yes, well," Daniel saw the Colonel about to break in, possibly with violence, and hurried on, "the feast was originally planned as a natal celebration for _him,_ he turned forty-five - of their years, closer to seventy of ours - today."

"So we crashed his birthday party," O'Neill said. "Didn't he want to share?"

"Oh yes." Daniel grimaced. "Definitely. When I mentioned the coincidence, they declared that _you _could share the honor and the main dish with him."

"And the problem with that is -?"

"I only found out when the cook came looking for the ingredients for the dish served at their natal celebrations. A kind of iced and decorated... black or blood pudding. At least I think... yes, I'm sure that was it. And definitely made from..." He faltered, waiting for them to work it out. When the wait became oppressive, he sighed, and made it simple. "The guests of honor."

Carter's mouth fell open.

Teal'c's eyebrow shot up.

"I think," Daniel ran a hand through his hair, glanced down at the globs of brightly colored stuff, and winced. "It's meant to be an honor. _We _would have been expected to eat it."

Carter's mouth snapped shut.

Teal'c's other eyebrow shot even higher.

Jack stared at him in silence, then turned and headed off - determinedly not _too_ briskly - for the 'Gate.

No one spoke as they reached the Stargate, as Carter dialed up, or as they prepared to dash for home; each was clearly trying far too hard _not _to think what Hammond would make of _this_ one - though it had to be better than what the locals would have made.

"I don't think," Daniel just _had _to say as they stepped through, "if we have to have a party for you, Jack, we'll really want birthday cake..."

**-the end-**


End file.
